I don’t even know how to express what I’m thinking right now … but …let me try. Here.We.Go.
I have always been one who has kept the majority of my life private. My feelings private, my likes and dislikes private, my sex life private, my relationships of who I am or am not dating private, My thoughts good or bad private, my Life … PRIVATE .
I have always been that girl who has been “innocent” to a certain extent, while at the same time, I have been through the period of “good girl gone bad” for just a second.
I say this because I have reflected … Where has this gotten me ? … Sure, many people admire how I have turned out and a lot of good has come out of my life keeping things this way, BUT … once again…the question is, where has this REALLY gotten me ?…
A few ” Awe, you’re so sweet”, A few ” I wish I could be like you”, ” A couple “Have you ever done this ??… No, You should”, A few ” Girl, you should open up more” …. So on and so forth.
As I look at young men and women my age today, including some of my friends and associates, I do not act like them, I don’t have the same mind-set for various things that are said or done, nor have I had some of the same experiences that most have. Sure, during College I had my fun, but compared to many, what I have done is at the bottom of the barrel.
I guess I feel some type of way because in my mind I question myself. I question myself a lot. I question the fact that if I were to do a complete 360 and put myself on the other side for just a moment, would I feel better about certain aspects of my life.
This has been something that I have contemplated on for a very long time.
Example : What if I were to put my sexual desires on social media,what if I were to have an actual “Sex count ” of more than the few people I have slept with, what if I were to have “hoes” && date more than one person at a time, what if I didn’t wear my heart on my sleeve and just didn’t care, what if I put every thought that I was thinking about on social media, what if I actually gave guys chances even though I know it will go nowhere, what if I started smoking and drinking profusely just because ? What if I began to lie to get what I wanted … You catch my drift ? …. What if I do every single last one of these things. I can only imagine how things would be different. What if, I just stopped giving a fuck? ya know… YOLO ?? … Right.
When I ruminate these are the questions I often ask myself.
I mean … don’t get me wrong, I love who I am and who I have become but none-the-less maybe it’s all becoming too routine.
Should I blame myself for turning out this way, should I blame myself for feeling the way that I feel, should I do something about this and/or continue to be the person that I have been all of my life….
There are so many things that I wonder, but these thoughts are just a few. It’s quite funny because with all of that being said, in reality I will most likely never change anything about me to be this way. I feel like I am this way for a reason and me being who I am is what attracts my circle to me.
Then again… Hell who knows, Life is all about taking chances, risks, trying new things, living it up in your 20s… Might just change on that ass…… but until then …. I can always continue to wonder though right ????? ………..