A few days ago I found one of the saddest letters I have ever written to myself under my bed. Crazy thing is, it was less than four months ago when I wrote it && more recent than one would think. This letter had every feeling imaginable. It had to be one of the deepest, darkest, vulnerable times to date just about. I guess writing has always been my go-to thing when I felt like I couldn’t express my feelings to anyone else. Amazing that I was able to smile for so long on the outside but nobody knew the pain that I actually was feeling on the inside. I know, if my friends knew, they probably would wonder, why so sad when everything is going well for me for the most part …. Well, this was just something I had been feeling for a long time. I just buried it deep down, and hid it. I hid what was going on, and til’ this day, my family or closet friends still don’t know the full story. I remember the day I wrote this, the feeling I was feeling, the thoughts that were seriously going through my head. I think everything from life’s tribulations, love, life, death, pain, loss .. all of that was a factor to feeling this way. At the time, for a minute everything was going wrong imo and I didn’t know how to deal. Day time I would smile from ear to ear but at night tears would shed on my pillow and I would wonder what was really going on with me.
I think I went through every thought possible of things I liked and didn’t like about myself, how I wanted to change myself, how I wanted to tell people how I felt about certain things but couldn’t, so on and so forth. I was beginning to wonder was I really happy with the way that my life has been going. I often tended to compare myself to others and wondered what should I do different, should I change, am I a good woman, etc ….
I don’t get down to often but when I do, I am in my feelings for a while. People tend to see the happy me for the most part all the time. I think this one day, I was just tired of being happy. I was tired of hiding behind everything that I was going through. As much as I wanted to let people know how I was feeling I didn’t and to this day I still have not. I found that writing my feelings has always been therapeutic for me and is the way I could really let out my feelings without being judged. I know that people say it’s ok to talk to someone and let people know what you are going through, but …. I believe that sometimes it is ok to keep things to yourself and figure things out on your own. That is how you become a better person.
I think this moment I went through has definitely made me a stronger person. I went to a place that I never want to go again. I was thinking some horrible things and it hurt me to see myself that way.
People always tell me they don’t understand how I can be sad, or insecure, or whatever because I have what seems to be “the perfect life” .. but that’s just it. MY life is not perfect. I tell people, even the most beautiful and strongest people have their sad times. I have issues like everyone else, I just don’t exploit them and try to make the best out of every situation.
I came to realization that you choose your happiness. If you choose to be miserable, that is all you are ever gong to be. You can’t let that define you or break you. You have to be happy and know that we all have hurdles in life but with the right attitude it will all be alright.