Within the last year I have seen a tremendous change within myself. Mentally, Physically, Emotionally && Spiritually. Soon to be one year ago I was at my darkest hour, My darkest day. Not too many people knew of this because I was afraid of people knowing that the “Always happy person” the one who “Motivated and Encouraged” everyone couldn’t even do that for herself.
Last year I was really at my breaking point. I had never seen myself in such an awful state. I never knew it would be ME who was at her final breaking point && felt as though it was all over.
This time last year, I was one year out of college, post graduation back in my parents home, back in California from Orlando after working there for 8 months. I was coming to realization that I was no longer in an almost 6 year relationship,jobless,broke and so much more. This was something that I was NOT use to.
Before and during college, I always promised myself that I would stay happy, I would live my life, and I would never be “that” girl whom fell into the trap. HA…. NEVER SAY NEVER.
At that point in time everything felt so unreal, so unfamiliar,so not right. The fact that I went from having a job, a boyfriend,my own home to having NOTHING … who knew.
This point in time…. I didn’t even know who I was. For days and weeks at a time, I would go from my parents house, to a family member, to a friend. I was so unhappy with everything. It got to the point to where I couldn’t even live in the city that HE was in because there were way too many memories, way too many chances of me bumping into him. For days to avoid all of that…I stayed inside. I cried day in and day out, I would eat nothing for a few days at a time, when I did…nothing but crackers and water. ME ! The junk food junkie wouldn’t even eat her fave food. I wouldn’t talk to anyone, I would stay in the house, blinds closed, and sometimes watch T.V.
That was my life for about 3 months. I lost a total of 27 pounds due to stress. I was LOW, BEYOND LOW ! …. I didn’t even think this was possible. I thought this was stuff you only saw in the movies when women were depressed.
Most people during that time assumed that all this was because of the breakup. No. It had a lot to do with the pain I was suffering from BUT .. more-so I was unhappy with myself. I was unhappy that I wasn’t able to get a job right after college with a degree, I wasn’t happy that I went from living alone to living house to house, sleeping on a couch. I was unhappy that I had no money, no income to pay bills such as school loans, phone bill and doctor bills. So, the relationship..that was just the icing on the cake.
I don’t know what it was, but one day …. I had an epiphany. I just decided I couldn’t do this anymore. I couldn’t ALLOW myself to be this way. I had so much more to do, so much more to accomplish. I could NOT, I would NOT allow what was going wrong at that time to further destroy me. I was to the point to where I lost all my hope and I lost faith. I did not want this to continue.
With all that being said… I found myself again. The happy go lucky girl was herself again. She, I … wanted to show everyone that I could make it. I would make. I wouldn’t let the rain continue on forever. I wanted to see a rainbow at the end and that’s what I got.
Today, I am soooo thankful to have gone through that. If I didn’t, I would not be where I am today. And today, I am happy. I am back. I am ME.